So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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