Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
