sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It was confusing and full of hummus
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
