Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
