Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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