The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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