There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
