Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
