Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
