when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
