checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
