She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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