There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
