No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
