what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
