My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
