Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
