yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
