As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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