I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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