a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
