Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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