I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
