the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
