Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
