apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
