I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
