I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
