I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
