I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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