Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
