what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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