I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
