Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
