I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
And then he peed in my hair
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