he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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