$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
