peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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