I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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