The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it was like eating out sand paper
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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