She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
