I want you more than these girls want KFC
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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