Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
