he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
