If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
