Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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