Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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