Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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