if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
