You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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