Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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