Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
