She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
