It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
