dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
