so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
