i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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