Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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