So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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