It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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