I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
