The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
