Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
